Biogenesis Evangelion - (Alternative Of)
by czxcjx123
Summary: Everything returns to Shinji. The world - possibly - and, ultimately, his own heart. But what is rooted within? Him. Her. Them. It all returns to Shinji. Yet, the world is so much larger than a single child. As well as Heaven. An 'alternative' telling of those events.
1. 1-1 Angel Attacks

To the soldier who looked in the air, and felt the envelop of the whole blue sky – he loved the normalcy of his station. Soldiers were, after all, well-aware of their station as fodder for the cosmos. Everything within a soldier is built for the specific purpose of being one step ahead in the war of attrition.

Yes – even despite development in new generation technology – despite the idea that war could be fought with hard tactics rather than blind sacrifice, in the end there was still that core aspect.

The abstract aim of war was destruction of the enemy.

The abstract aim of war was complete elimination.

A certain military theorist came up with that formulation in the past. War, as absolute destruction. Goals and the stuff of reality were separate from that key form. Whenever anyone participated in war, no matter what goal or political objective they had, the abstract geist of war was still hanging over them, laughing like a phantom smyler in the dark with knife in hand.

Such were the cause of those myriad of massacres and crimes perpetuated by soldiers in states of war. They were returning to the embrace of that absolute form.

To the soldier, whose reality was always on the brink of that collapse into the pure nothingness of absolute war – the blue sky provided reprieve.

The longing blue.

The infinite blue.

Shall we escape our suffering one day?

Shall we be clouds within that sky?

After the Second Impact – such hopes were shattered into the dust. Mankind returned to the state of paranoia and constant suffering.

The soldier held one hand up to the sky, to shade himself from the rays of the sun.

It was not merely war. It was a war without a discernible enemy. A forever war that went beyond any proper human conceptions.

The war against the Angels.

Enemies beyond our reach. The stuff of mythology and mysticism. Beasts of an otherworldly nature.

In the face of such a notion, the soldier was all too aware of his status as human detritus in the greater span of eternity.

He was human, painfully so.

What could he do within the short span of his life?

Perish.

Go mad.

Insulate himself from the suffering with ignorance and self-pity.

They had been given the signal. There was an Angel approaching. Fear sloughed in his boots.

His family was safely hidden. The city was deserted. They were evacuated to the shelters.

He thought about the empty city. Wind drifting. Newspapers blowing in the breeze. Human activity put to a standstill by the presence of a thing beyond all knowledge. The rhythm of daily life upheaved.

What they were assigned to protect was a city of shadows.

The memories that whisked through those empty buildings. That gave it meaning.

The soldier looked at the blue of the sky, and then looked down. The sky was reflected in the water.

The sky shimmered.

The sky in the water shimmered.

The fake sky shimmered.

And a beam of light shot out from that mirror, decimating the soldier, the legions behind him, his friends, allies, their weaponry – the entirety of human life that was so, so, insignificantly small.


	2. 1-2 Angel Attacks

Our protagonist – one Shinji Ikari.

Surely you must know him.

Shinji Ikari was waiting at a phone-booth in the middle of the shadow city. He was increasingly unnerved by the silence, which, deep within him, seemed all too penetrating and intense – due to his psychological sensitivity towards such states.

Shinji was neglected by his dad, and he lived with his teacher for a while. His mom had died. He knew the scantest trace of her touch. It was all tossing and turning in the deepest recesses of his unconscious.

But – surely you know him. And you know what happens to him later. And you know what really happened to his mother. And you know a lot of other things. How his life will unfold. How he'll fall into the very bottom of despair. How he'll lose his best friends. How his heart will be ravaged by the pangs of adolescent love. How all those things will expand into a world-shattering apocalypse that'll break the very fold of reality.

In other words – we cannot start with Shinji Ikari.

For a personality who has been defined – thrust within the very roots of the culture itself – an author such as myself cannot start with Shinji Ikari. But neither can I deviate to the extent as to make him a character that he is not. The Shinji Ikari that exists on your mind cannot be violated – O, you who have placed so much of yourself in him.

Where shall we start with?

Where shall this story begin?

How shall the story proceed? How much can we deviate from these pre-set paths?

How about:

During the moment of the Angel's attack, Asuka Langley Soryu was watching the entire process on a large monitor screen. The room she was in was filled with the stuffy adult types that she hated – as well as one dashing triple-agent Ryoji Kaji.

Asuka: "Wow – Kaji, I never knew the Japanese forces were sooooo weak. Did you see that laser? It blew up the WHOLE fleet! Kaji… hey Kaji are you listening? Kaji!"

Kaji was ignoring the events on screen. He had a book in his hand.

Asuka: "Why are you reading a BOOK – now?"

Kaji smiled.

Kaji: "War is boring, little miss."

Asuka: "Don't call me that! And – war is only boring if you're on the losing side!"

Kaji: "I'm sure you'll make a fine soldier then."

Asuka: "The best. Anyway – what ARE you reading in the first place? I keep seeing you carrying all these weird books all over the place."

Kaji: "Despite being born in a country with one of the finest literary & philosophical cultures in the world, you sure are ignorant of your own heritage."

Asuka: "Books are lame! In the first place, when the Angels arrive – that's what will happen to your precious books!"

She pointed at the screen. A giant cross lit up the monitor.

Kaji shook his head with the same smile on his face. Asuka got irritated and yanked the book out of his hands.

Asuka: "Gimme THAT! What's this in the first place… Thu… Thus Spake Zara-tooth-stra? Sounds like its written by an old fogey."

Kaji: "Three metamorphoses of the spirit do I show to you: how the spirit becomes a camel, the camel a lion, and the lion at last – a child."

Asuka: "Huh? I don't get it. What are you talking about?"

Kaji: "Do you think you're a lion, a camel, or a child?"

Asuka: "What kind of question is that?! Of course I'm a lion. They're the most noble, ferocious, and they'll slay their enemies in one bite!"

Kaji nodded.

Asuka: "And why does the lion become a child anyway? That's so weird. Why would the lion become something weaker and smaller than itself?"

Kaji: "Personally, I think you're a camel."

Asuka stepped on Kaji's toes.

Kaji: "Ow."

Asuka: "What's that supposed to mean?! You think I'm hunch-backed and ugly?!"

While Asuka berated Kaji, he remained smiling. She was carrying too much of her own burdens around the place. Yet, she did not have the willpower to rush into the desert and face those burdens. That was why she was still stuck on the threshold, yet to become a lion.

But, he felt a pang of some sorrow – for his inability to help her recognize something like that. In the end, Asuka had to face these things herself.

Asuka: "Looking at that Angel really makes me want to get into the power-suit… It's so boring here! Why does the Angel have to attack Japan?! If the Angels came here, they'd finally be able to destroy that irritating monument of the Bayreuth Festspielhaus! Did you know, Kaji, that I had to sit through a 4-hour performance of that… Tristan & whateverhername… opera just because I had to attend some event for military higher-ups? 4 hours of howling! And I had no idea what was going on because I kept falling asleep – only to be woken up again by more howling!"

A few of the higher-ups that had brought her to the opera were in the room, and they turned over and gave a look. Asuka stuck her tongue out at them. They turned back and said nothing – because she was the Second Child after all.

Kaji: "Don't worry little miss – one day you'll understand, and appreciate, these kinds of things – and you'll lose that urge to destroy everything in the world too."

Asuka: "Don't call me that! And – what do you mean 'destroy everything'? I don't understand a single thing you're saying…"

A massive orange blast lit up the monitor.

Asuka: "Is that an N2 mine?! Are they really trying to use an N2 mine on that?! That's so amazing!"

As Asuka's eyes were transfixed on the monitor, Kaji wondered if she understood the irony in her statement.

Asuka: "But if they think that THAT'll defeat the Angel – they must be delusional!"

Kaji: "You have a better plan?"

Asuka: "Who needs plans or military strategies?! I'll just go right in and beat them into a pulp!"

Kaji: "I'm very proud of you. (Sarcasm)"

Asuka: "You are?!"

Asuka ran up to Kaji and hugged him tightly. She looked up at him. He looked down at her.

Asuka: "If it's just for you Kaji – I'll show them ALL!"

Just then, a small figure flew up.

It was about 1/100th of the Angel's size.

Kaji pushed Asuka off him and turned her around – towards the screen.

Kaji: "Your rival is here."

The camera zoomed in on the little blip.

It was no giant robot. It was a boy.

A bulge sticking out of his back. An orb – spreading its roots throughout his whole body.

Evangelion Unit-01. Bio-synthetic power-suit.

The boy was hovering in the air – but his hands were shaking. His limbs were shaking. His body was shaking.

Asuka: "What is HE doing?"

Kaji: "Looks like it's his first time."

Asuka: "They're sending an amateur on a mission like this?"

While he was rooted in fear, the Angel acted. It rushed forward, and punched the boy.

The boy flew. He smashed through several buildings.

Asuka: "Looks like he's done… good bye, farewell – and I hardly knew you!"

Kaji: "Don't be mean. He's a User too."

Asuka: "That isn't a User – that's a ragdoll!"

Deep inside her head – a memory welled up. Asuka's first time being attached to Unit-02. The orb clamped onto her back, and sent roots spiralling into her spine. She could feel it digging into her skin – and there was nothing but pain. Even on subsequent times – there would be nothing but pain.

Asuka: "Whoever came up with that stupid ball was a total idiot. They should have made it into a giant robot!"

Kaji: "They did try out giant robots, but most of them were unstable and fell over after a few steps. It was just too clunky. Anyway, with the ball – you get to manoeuvre around in 3D space all you want."

Asuka: "I don't think Superman had to deal with those idiotic worms burrowing into him."

The balls, or the Evangelion BPS – granted them superpowers. Superhuman strength, superhuman speed, and the ability to fly.

That was the only way they could penetrate through the Angel's AT Field.

Just then –

A red beam.

No, not a beam.

A red flash.

A boy moving faster than anything.

Shot out of the rubble.

Slammed straight into the Angel.

Right through the core.

Destroying it in a flash.

Kaji: "There's your Superman."

Asuka said nothing. She gritted her teeth.

Kaji: "Don't be so competitive – you're supposed to be on the same team."

A gigantic cross-explosion lit the sky – and Sachiel, the Angel, was no more.

The monitors turned off.

Kaji: "Well, looks like the show's over."

Asuka was muttering under her breath.

Asuka: "He's… faster."

Kaji couldn't really tell what the boy's speed was from the screen – but he knew that she had a general sense of it. She was attuned to it after all.

Kaji: "I said don't…"

Kaji was about to rub Asuka's head, but she slapped his hand away and walked off muttering to herself.

Honestly – it reminded him of someone else. That attitude towards things. That psychosis.

Asuka's mother had went mad, committed suicide, and she was one of the first to witness the death. And this was all after she had underwent that traumatizing 'synthetization process' for the Evangelion BPS-02.

Of course, later, in order to further strengthen their affinity – those madcap scientists went to infuse her mother into the BPS.

That was something that Kaji would never tell Asuka.

But, she was stuck. He couldn't do much but accept it. Too many bad dominoes lined up in a row and made her that way. The only way to deal with it was to either accept it, or destroy herself.

Currently, Asuka Langley Soryu was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling – and undergoing a slight PTSD moment.

Kaji waited outside the door while he heard her muffled sobbing inside.

Kaji hesitated – then knocked.

Kaji: "Do you require any assistance?"

He heard mad fumbling inside, and then the door burst open.

She was wearing a skull mask.

It was too obvious – and she probably knew that – but she still wore it anyway. From within, there was a soft:

"Boo."

And she collapsed into him, and dragged him down until they were both sitting on their knees.

A thin voice came from within the skull mask.

Asuka: "Kaji – am I the best?"

Kaji: "Sure. You're the best."

She hugged him tightly.

She didn't let go.

At this very moment, Asuka could feel the roots piercing into her being. The memories of the BPS synthetization process had merged with the memories of her mother – and the pain had doubled and tripled. It would have been more manageable if the process of putting on the suit wasn't so harrowing.

At this point, her mind was on the fringe – and she couldn't think properly.

And all she could do was mutter to herself words of self-praise, while Kaji – the illusion that dragged her away from herself – held on to her and didn't let go.


	3. 1-3 Angel Attacks

Spine pain. Rei. Process. Unfamiliar ceiling. White. Pain. Angel. Sachiel. Burning sensation. Roots. Worms. Mother. Inside me. Death. Fear. So close. AT Field. Penetrate. Misato. Dad. Pain. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget. Forget.

Shinji woke up.

A white ceiling.

He sat up.

As he sat up, he felt a sharp pain in his back, which caused him to fall back down.

He tried to feel his back to find the source of the pain.

There was a hole there.

A small hole, in his back.

Roots. Worms.

His mind exploded in associations.

There was Rei. Rei had been brought in.

He saw the sphere they placed on her back – a hole in the same location – and the roots that sank into her.

Even though she was injured.

Rei screamed.

And then.

Now – he was in her place.

He had forced them to stop.

Now the roots were in his back.

For the first time.

They burrowed into his skin. They burrowed through the flesh.

Pain unlike any other.

Misato was averting her eyes.

Shinji was screaming.

And then. Afterwards.

Angel.

He couldn't remember.

Angel.

It slammed him.

Pain all over his body – but still alive.

Then.

Red.

What happened?

Then, opened his eyes – white ceiling.

He closed his eyes.

He remembered most of it.

He wanted to forget it all.

His limbs rolled away from his body.

His head rolled away from his torso.

It rolled and rolled down an endless corridor.

Forget it all.

No.

Voice?

Where?

Why voice?

There was a voice coming from the darkness.

It seemed – warm.

It seemed – motherly.

It said.

It said.

It sung.

 _i carry your heart with me (i carry it in  
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere  
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done  
by only me is your doing, my darling)  
i fear  
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want  
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)  
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant  
and whatever a sun will always sing is you_

 _here is the deepest secret nobody knows  
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows  
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)  
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart_

Why?

Why this song?

He had heard it sing as well.

When he was fighting the angel.

When he had burrowed into the red heart of the giant and felt the red throbbing around him and cracking and dispersing and being destroyed. And he – destroying that red.

That song.

An English song?

Why was there an English song?

No longer cry – it seemed to say.

No longer shout – it seemed to say.

Just. Exist.

Exist.

Under the Tree of Life. There was a root. A rhizome. Such a rhizome could not ever hope to reach the status of that Tree. The Tree seemed to large, and too magnificent for the rhizome to reach it. For the rhizome could only grow in tangles. The rhizome could only grow in a messy, complex, and schizophrenic way. The root of the root. The bud of the bud. Up there, within the Tree of Life – was enemy, cosmos, and hierarchy. Things greater than any human conception.

All he could do was slug his way through.

The mass of connections that defined him. Father. Mother. Sister. Brother. Teacher. Rei. Misato. Gendo.

Yui.

Who was that?

Yes. I remember.

Her name was Yui.

Her name was Yui.


	4. 1-4 Angel Attacks

Katsuragi Misato watched the personnel in their orange suits clean up the area. She was sitting in the Commander's area. This was one of the many benefits of being in charge – but it was still hot as hell (and the stuffiness of the suit did not help at all)! She was looking at the broadcast of the incident on the TV, while fanning herself.

Misato: "Those biology nerds must be having a field day out there – cleaning up the Angel gunk. Is it really that interesting?"

She directed that at Ritsuko Akagi, who was standing behind her fiddling with some device.

Ritsuko: "You're talking to one such 'nerd'"

Misato: "Then tell me – exactly what's so interesting about standing knee deep in that gunk and picking away at it with all those devices or whatever?"

Ritsuko: "We do not even know what a body is capable of."

Misato: "What's that supposed to mean?"

Ritsuko: "It's thanks to 'nerds' like us that the BPS came into being in the first place."

Misato clenched her fists.

Misato: "That stupid orb. Why couldn't they make it a giant robot? Kids love giant robots!"

Ritsuko: "You yourself know what happened to those giant robots."

Of course. She was one of the many superiors monitoring that project. The team that had built it had been inspired by Godzilla – and they tried to create a 'biomorphic' robot inspired by animal parts. They had created rubbery joints that made the structure similar to a human or simian body structure.

But it still could not hold together properly. When it tried to move around, it was extremely janky. They couldn't find a way to have the pilot sync with the body.

Misato: "People still watch all those giant robot shows right? If it was a giant robot – I'm sure it'd be easier to convince angst-filled adolescents like Shinji to ride it. Instead, you have to have this stupid orb that literally BURROWS into people's flesh."

Ritsuko: "Have you tried it?"

Misato: "I was one of the adult subjects for the early stage compatibility tests. I know that it is – not fun."

Ritsuko: "A giant robot would have been more fun – huh?"

Misato: "Definitely. But now, thanks to that, we have to deal with all these traumatized kids."

Ritsuko: "At least they get to fly around like those Western superhero comics… and, at least there's less to clean up."

Misato: "The one thing I need to clean up the most is my brain. After seeing the synthetization process so many times (and going through it once, for that matter) – I'm gonna need tons of brain bleach."

Ritsuko: "Or you could just be a heartless bastard like Gendo Ikari."

Misato: "That creep – I think he was SMILING when he saw that stuff going on with his son."

Ritsuko: "Commander Ikari also has tons of baggage himself…"

Misato: "That's no excuse to be a sociopath. Just because you lost your wife in some experiment, and now you have some issues – whenever – you see your son. That's such an amazingly childish motivation!"

Ritsuko: "Shhh! Don't say that so loud! You'll never know who's listening around here."

Misato: "Sometimes I just want to smack him in the face."

Ritsuko: "I think the problem is that he's been reading too much Freud."

Misato: "Who now? You really have to stop dropping all these references – I have no idea what you're talking about half of the time."

Ritsuko: "Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst. Inspired by Friedrich Nietzsche, he came up with a conception of reality where humans were dragged around – and motivated – by inner unconscious drives related to sex & death. In a way, his point was that all our rationality and logic were deeply affected by the irrational parts of ourselves. He aimed to attack the view that the human mind was fully in control of itself."

Misato: "Okay, I sorta get that – but what does that have to do with Commander Ikari?"

Ritsuko: "Well, Freud came up with a lot of strange terms to describe the deep processes that worked underneath human logic. One example is the Oedipus Complex – the belief that men are motivated to kill their father and marry their mother. Another example is Penis Envy, the idea that females are anxious about their lack of a male genital organ, and it begins the transition from an attachment to the mother to competition with the mother for the attention, recognition and affection of the father."

Misato: "Ew! That sounds like complete bullshit to me!"

Somewhere inside Misato, she felt something biting at her core. Like – something deep inside her seemed to be explained.

Ritsuko: "Basically his point. Freud was trying to say that the human mind was based upon complete bullshit like that. Early childhood memories seep into the later parts of our lives. Traumas develop from all these hidden connections. You could say it's kind of like a method of esoterically reading the body. Trying to understand the chaos that rests within with chaos itself.

Misato: "Okay, now you're getting too abstract over there."

Ritsuko: "And what I'm saying is that Commander Ikari is the very example of such traumas & illogical combinations."

Misato: "So he's a Freudian nut?"

Ritsuko: "The problem with taking Freud as a basis for everything is that it simplifies the 'bullshit' that goes on underneath. This was a critique by a thinker called Ernest Gellner. He said that Freud took it too easily – if he believed that such simple processes, however weird they sounded, could explain the deep stuff that affected humans. Humans were more complex than that. Another psychoanalyst, Lacan, probably had the same thing in mind – because he wrote denser and more complex paradoxical bullshit than Freud did – in an attempt to explain the unconscious will that existed behind everything."

Misato: "But you can't deny that Shinji has Mama issues."

Ritsuko: "In a sense, it is true that our formative experiences affect our later personality – but that doesn't mean that it has to go under the strange moniker of something like an 'Oedipus Complex'. That has too many assumptions and can't be verified."

Misato: "Currently we're sitting in the middle of a city's ruins cleaning up strange otherworldly alien gunk. You can't deny that this world is already quite… weird."

Ritsuko: "We don't want to make it weirder. If the world is really so large, and so complex – than we must fight all we can to retain a small spot of humanity for ourselves. And we must never ever submit to weird things that seem larger than anything we could ever conceive."

Misato: "Hey, that sounds kind of like that thing written underneath the NERV logo – God's in his heaven, so all's right in the world – or something like that."

Ritsuko: "That quote came from Robert Browning – but, somehow I think it's inadequate. I mean, are we really satisfied with leaving such a God in his heaven? Something higher than ourselves?"

Misato: "Okay, this is getting too philosophical. My brain is shutting down."

Ritsuko: "Fine – but there's another verse in Browning that, to me, fits better than that one."

 _Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp,  
Or what's a heaven for?_

In the madness, general despair, and suffering of the world. Ritsuko constantly felt herself dissipating, almost, into things that felt larger than herself. But, in the end, she knew that she had to find a way to be maintained. The narrative in her head told her that she was going to go down the path of no return. Misato was also probably caught in such a state.

To hell with the narrative. To hell with illogic. To hell with weird things.

She would maintain.


	5. 2-1 Unfamiliar Ceilings

Upon seeing Misato and Shinji leave the store, he entered it. He went down the aisles, picking up a few items here and there, placing them down again, pondering, finding an interest in a certain one, examining the label, pondering, placing it down, taking another, examining – or is that what humans do in the first place?

Satisfied with his choice. He walked over to the cashier.

It was a teenage girl with dyed red hair.

It clashed with the boy's white hair.

The girl looked at his purchase.

Cereal. Cereal. Cereal. Cereal. Cereal. Cereal. Cereal. Cereal.

Girl: "You don't need milk with any of that?"

Boy: "Milk?"

The boy pondered this statement.

Boy: "Milk, nourishment – the foundation of early life itself. Milk – an interesting proposition."

The girl stared at him funny. Was this one of this cute but psycho guys?

Boy: "If breakfast is situated at the start of the day, then, ritualistically, it might have correspondence to the symbolic birth of life itself. Cereal – grain. The very wellspring of early human development. Agriculture. Milk – the wellspring of the 'human'. The maternal element. Cereal & Milk. The divide between the world and man? The so-called 'Earth Mother'. Interesting proposition."

Girl: "Huh?"

Boy: "Tell me Child of Lilin – why do you suppose that I should combine milk with cereal?"

Girl: "Erm… because milk makes the cereal taste better?"

Boy: "What a revelation! Such an interesting view of the world. As expected of the person I so dearly love."

At the sudden confession, the girl blushed.

Girl: "L-lo-ve?!"

Boy: "Yes. I am deeply in love. Deeply, profoundly, in love."

There was something immaterial about the boy. Something that pulled.

Girl: "I-i-is this a confession?"

Boy: "Confession. Catholic. Based upon the notion of inherent sin, within man – hmmm – another interesting proposition. Is every act of love an act of confession? Of course, it could be that God's love is transcendent – such that every act of speaking love to something lesser than that must logically be a confession of sin itself. But, how would that apply to a child of Heaven itself? Of course, I would not place myself on the level of that sphere – but would that make my love less of a confession? Interesting. Very interesting."

The girl was mesmerized by the boy's fragmentary chain of associations.

Boy: "Let me tell you then, Child of Lilin – that if you wish to develop a connection with the transcendent – such a matter requires an abdication of material things. Passions included. Wealth – a sign of. A signifier towards desire. In other words – the wealth of transcendent love supersedes the wealth of earthly desire. In other words…"

Girl: In… other… words…?"

Boy: "Abdicate your occupational position. And allow a Child of Adam such as myself access to the wealth of breakfast grains without the necessary monetary exchange."

One slap later, Kaworu Nagisa walked out into the street, holding a plastic bag full of cereal in his hand.

Kaworu: "Mysterious Child of Lilin. I was merely using logic."


	6. 2-2 Unfamiliar Ceilings

Rei stared at the white ceiling.

She said nothing.

Gendo Ikari stared at Rei.

He said nothing.

Ritsuko Akagi walked down the hallway, and she saw two nurses peeping into Rei's room.

Ritsuko: "A-hem?"

The two nurses shot up in fright.

Ritsuko: "I was planning to do certain checks on the status of the patient?"

One nurse (younger – designated Nurse 1) dragged her by the hand, and showed her the sight.

Ritsuko: "Ah."

Nurse 1: "He's been sitting there for hours!"

Nurse 2: "We haven't even removed her plates since lunch!"

Nurse 1: "He's scary!"

Nurse 2: "And creepy!"

Nurse 1: "They're like wax figures!"

Nurse 2: "In a wax museum!"

Nurse 1: "Doing waxy wax things!"

Ritsuko, of course, knew that Rei was a clone of Yui – and that Gendo Ikari was only being 50% creepy.

I mean – it was still creepy. But knowing that made it less creepy.

Or did that make it even more creepy?

Anyway, Ritsuko felt as though she had to act a bit 'PR' over here.

Ritsuko: "It seems to me that Commander Ikari is merely concerned over the status of his User. After all, she holds too essential a role to the entire project. Commander Ikari must be worried sick – and is desperately trying to contain his concern through his stoicism. You must understand…"

Nurse 1: "Wait… is he giggling…"

Nurse 2: "And, drooling – a bit?"

Ritsuko looked again.

Indeed, he was.

Ritsuko: "Commander Ikari! I'm here to do my report!"

As she shouted that, she slammed the door open with a massive KACHA-SLAM!

When she looked at him again, Gendo Ikari's face had reverted to its normal commanderly pose (when did he wipe?)

Gendo: "Excellent. Continue."

As Gendo walked past her, she held the clipboard to her mouth and whispered:

"Lolicon."

And, with Commander Ikari, not a damn was given. At all.


	7. 2-3 Unfamiliar Ceilings

By right, Misato's apartment block was supposed to be empty. The high ranking NERV officer had gained access to the entire marvellous space for her own selfish purposes, simply due to the influence that NERV itself exerted. "Request for evacuation of citizens for suspected poison-gas attacks perpetrated by some unknown anti-governmental terrorist organization!" she had ordered, one day, drunk, and happy at her increased pay from her promotion – and fed up with her own cramped current residence.

"If Commander Ikari asks – tell the loli-bastard that it was all according to protocol!" – so she had spouted in front of a sober (sipping from a can of soda) Ritsuko Akagi – one day.

Ritsuko, for shits and giggles, passed down that order to the various departments (requested of newly appointed Captain Katsuragi) – and, despite knowing too well that such an order was, perhaps, a joke – the welfare department, needing to find an interesting place for NERV's annual paintball tournament (Rei's about-to-be demolished apartment block was deemed too emo for an activity that was supposed to 'encourage high morale in the face of existential uncertainty derived by potential extinction from cosmic forces'), passed the request to Futsuyuki.

Futsuyuki: "Although it may be true that we don't exactly have that much authority granted by the UN to make that kind of call unless really critical…"

At this moment, he remembered that there was some experiment that they wanted to test with the Eva BPS regarding the effect of the unsheltered core on humans within a large area (99% non-fatal drowsiness with a 1% chance of fatality). True, human experimentation was unethical – but those experiments really had to be done. In other words – since Misato had given him the idea…

Futsuyuki drafted a (stamp: secret) proposal for testing of the BPS core in the housing area under guise of a poison gas attack – as well as plans for relocation of citizens evacuated by said test to a better housing facility (to mitigate the lack of ethics). He passed it to Ritsuko, who helped (with a drunk Katsuragi's thumb-print) to validate the proposal under Misato's name. In other words, although Futsuyuki still approved of it in the end – at the very least, a slight bit of guilt would be alleviated by framing the perpetually drunk Misato as the originator of the proposal.

Gendo was, incidentally, out boating with Rei (he had heard that boating was a 'thing').

"You mean I typed an entire proposal & put it in action – while drunk?!" – so shouted Misato the next day, when she found herself sole tenant of one large & empty Tokyo-3 apartment building.

"You truly deserve your promotion." – replied one smiling Akagi Ritsuko.

Luckily, the mission was carried out without much negative consequences (most tenants felt drowsy, but nothing worse. A single casualty – one young single bachelor who fell off his ladder while changing a light-bulb. Recompense – full medical coverage and one basket of fruit & assorted snacks courtesy of NERV).

When Gendo returned – he gave a thumbs-up – because he gave no shit about ethics.

"Although, Captain Katsuragi – your lack of sobriety might become a problem."

Misato saluted, and then took Ritsuko out for drinks – for the amazing miracle of hearing loli-bastard Ikari actually praise someone.

When Shinji entered Misato's apartment, her sobriety had not improved by even a single percentage point.

"Apparently, there was one time after that… when Ikari paid a personal visit to Captain Katsuragi's apartment… and when he left the elevator… Captain Katsuragi was lying prone on the corridor – with no shirt and a pair of panties on her head!" – source: Maya when talking to Ritsuko Akagi in the corridor one day.

Afterwards, Misato was subject to an entire month of cold turkey where she had to take urine tests and Breathalyzer tests every single day and was ferried home by Ritsuko ("no bar-hopping") under instruction of Gendo Ikari.

After the (self) nicknamed 'One Month of Hell' – Misato went on for about a week clean before her fridge returned into being a respawn point for Yebisu beer.

When passed down to Kaji – one day – from an acquaintance – his response:

"Damn."

In a way, Shinji's existence in that apartment was like a self-imposed Level 5 seal on the alcoholic beast within Misato Katsuragi.

And so, the two began their lives in the empty apartment block in Tokyo 3.

But, that day, it wasn't empty.

That day, there was another person walking those halls.

That day, there was another person living in the room next to them.

"Does wire-tapping seem too – base – for one of us?"

"Ah, the things I do for love."

Kaworu Nagisa was lying down on the floor of the apartment.

He had headphones on. They were plugged to a machine next to him.

"Isn't this nice – having two for dinner instead of eating alone…"

The voice of Misato came into his ear.

Kaworu: "Is it not a saying of the Lilin – that two's a company, but three's a crowd?"

A buzz in his ear.

He sat up.

Kaworu: "This is – an interception?!"

A voice entered.

Voice: "Yo."

Kaworu: "And who might this be?"

Voice: "I should be asking you the same."

Kaworu: "Are you from NERV?"

Voice: "I'm just, you could say – an ex-lover here to check out the state of a past… mistress."

Kaworu: "That voice – could this be the triple agent?"

Voice: "What a surprise – I've been found out."

Kaworu: "Nothing can escape the gaze of the transcendent."

Voice: "Yet, what is the transcendent but a dream born from immanence?"

Kaworu: "So, a philosopher too – you are extremely interesting. Just to tell you, I am a separate entity altogether – merely a wandering Angel resting my wings for a short period of time. I merely know of certain things – but I do not act upon them."

Voice: "How merciful of you."

Kaworu: "I do think – though – that envy is one of the punishable sins."

Voice: "I ain't envious – merely interested. Same as you."

At this point in time, Shinji and Misato were playing rock-paper-scissors.

Kaworu: "Interesting. What kind of human ritual is this?"

Voice: "Still leaving things up to luck – huh. Same old Katsuragi."

Kaworu: "It sounds like you know the tenant very well."

Voice: "A 'wandering Angel' are you now? Aren't angels that are forced out of heaven – devils?"

Kaworu: "To an Angel, where heaven is realer than anything else – being cast into the world is more like a dream. A dream that I may or may not eventually wake up from."

Voice: "Hoooh? Would you like me to wake you up right now?"

Kaworu: "You sound slightly aggressive Child of Lilin."

Voice: "Child of Lilin? Is that some kind of mystical designation?"

Kaworu: "What is mystical might merely be natural from a different point of view."

Voice: "Then, from my point of view, you're a mysterious intruder whose motives are unclear at the moment."

Kaworu: "Yet, you chose to intercept me instead of monitoring my actions – now, why could that be? Seems a strange thing to do against an entity designated 'intruder'."

Voice: "You could say that I'm a very merciful guy too."

Kaworu: "Well then, let us dance in our infinite grace – for both of us must be boundless in our mercy."

Voice: "Cut the crap – SEELE agent. What are you planning with Shinji Ikari?"

Kaworu: "You choose to lump me with that ilk of cabalistic old men trying to play shadow government? How rude."

Voice: "So you do know about SEELE."

Kaworu: "I'll humour you for a while. Come out to the veranda."

Ryoji Kaji walked out into the veranda of the room he was in, which was to the right of Misato's. Kaworu Nagisa appeared on the veranda in the room to the left.

Kaworu's voice was clear and penetrating in the night.

Kaworu: "Triple agent Ryoji Kaji. I hope you, too, are interested in my love."

Kaji: "Who are you?"

Kaworu leapt onto the ledge.

Kaworu: "Let it be known that sometimes God is merciful – but at other times, he's also quite… judgmental. Some say even – cruel."

Kaji: "Is that a threat?"

The boy leapt off the ledge. But he didn't fall. He floated.

Kaji: "A User?!"

Kaworu: "But – cruelty too, is a form of love."

Massive glittering wings expanded from the back of the boy. Wings that seemed to ride on the winds of a higher destiny. In a flash, the entity disappeared.

"What was that?"

At the sound of Misato's voice, Kaji disappeared back into the room.

Misato: "Just the wind… I guess."

She went back in.

A few minutes later, Shinji's scream (upon discovering Pen Pen) was heard.

By that time, both rooms were completely deserted.

Silence returned to the apartment block. Just as it should.


	8. 2-4 Unfamiliar Ceilings

On that day, the crosses gleamed in the sky.

The black beast walked. Head – a skull. A crimson spherical heart.

They were late.

"Why'd ya have to spend so long in the loo!"

He screamed.

"When I'm nervous – I can't go!"

She shouted back.

Touji Suzuhara was holding Sakura's hand as he ran through the streets. The ground was shaking from the monster's approach.

Touji: "Damn, that's bugger's fast despite those chopstick legs! Goddamn lanky asshole!"

Sakura: "Bro – language!"

Touji: "Sorry – I get excited ya know."

Despite his brash exterior, he had fear in his heart. He had seen the cross. If the monster really wished, both of them could easily be decimated in a flash. Sakura seemed less fearful. Or maybe she was too flustered to even consider the possibility. Anyway, they had to keep running.

In his heart, he was praying – don't you dare snipe us, don't you dare snipe us, don't you DARE snipe US!

The familiar streets shook and shivered. Memories fled past and broke away into shards. They became more and more transfigured as the monster continued its advance into the city.

The monster wasn't just destroying a city, but accumulated memories.

For example:

"Ya wanna own the cat?"

Sakura had her little hands on the glass, matching up to the kitty's paws.

"Forget it – ya know, it's like when'ya so young n' stuff ya won't understand that such furballs ain't just all cuddly stuff there for ya to look at. They can shit too ya know!"

"Bro – language!"

"Sorry – I get excited ya know."

But, she stuck her face to the window.

"Ok, tell ya what – I'll go & have a chat with mom."

"You will?"

"Sure – provided ya can take care of it."

Sakura turned and smiled – and turned back, exactly when the cat hacked up a large pukey hairball right into the glass. She frowned.

"Nevermind…forget what I said."

Touji: "Sakura – what the HEAVEN are ya doin'?"

Sakura: "They left pukey hairball! And the rest of them!"

The pet owner had left without caring about his stock. Such was the eternal gulf between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom. Yet, Sakura was too young to adopt the Anthropic principle in all its grandeur, and so she was stuck at the glass.

Touji: "Forget 'im – he's a pukey hairball! What happened to 'Nevermind'?!"

Sakura: "But…"

Touji: "Damnit Sakura – I'm not gonna be a goddamn animal trainer! Cut ya losses!"

5 minutes later, Touji was running down the street with a miniature zoo wrapped around him.

Sakura was running while balancing a hamster cage on her head.

Touji: "Why didn't ya take the reptiles?!"

Sakura: "They're ugly! Didn't you say 'cut your losses'?"

Touji: "Despite being my cute lil' sis – ya a right witch ya know."

Then, he felt something damp on his pants leg.

Touji: "Awww Gawd! Pukey Hairball pukied on my pants!"

Sakura: "Don't scream at the kitty!"

Touji: "Ya scream too if Hamtaro up there peed on ya head."

Realizing the slight truth in his statement, Sakura decided to hold the cage normally.

Touji felt like a human Noah's ark.

He didn't know why he did it.

Wasn't his own life more important?

But, somehow – the importance of that memory had mixed into his intentions somewhere, combined with something that seemed greater than his own life.

Family.

In all its selfish and embarrassing extravagances.

And, how little he knew of his Mom.

Making memories, and building important experiences – like saying that you saved a pukey hairball cat in the midst of an apocalypse cuz of your own selfish lil' sis – was more important than mere survival.

In a way, such things were what defined humans as humans.

These little quirks allowed for individual communication.

Touji: "GODDAMN! Why'd ya have to get me to bring a hedgehog!"

Sakura: "It's cute!"

Touji: "It's stabbin' me in the side!"

Sakura: "Deal with it! Aren't you a man?"

Touji: "Ya gonna grow up ta be a horrible wife sis'."

But, in the end, memories would dissipate at the first smell of danger.

Like – something, flashing through the sky.

Exploding.

A building nearby.

Rocks thundered down.

It seemed like it was going to avoid them, but the force had carried over to the next building, and sent parts of that tumbling down as well.

As the ground shook, Touji was thrown off his feet. He collapsed. The cages of the animals broke open, and they ran off into the wilderness of the concrete jungle.

He was knocked out for a bit, but regained his focus.

And saw.

Blood.

A little girl.

Bleeding.

Crushed.

Not only was her leg trapped, but a metal thing was stabbing into her side.

But, she was alive.

"SAKURA!"

He ran, and skid over.

She looked up, and tried to say something, but grit her teeth in pain.

Touji's mind was a flurry of thoughts – but then, it caught on to something important.

Every kid in school was given first aid lessons for such a crisis.

Touji checked his sister's breathing and pulse, it was weak, but still present.

He checked the spine. It was still okay.

He checked the area that was pierced. It didn't seem deep enough to hit any vital organs, but he couldn't remove it.

He touched the leg area. She screamed. It must have been broken or something.

He tried to lift the rubble at the leg. It didn't lift. He tried and tried. He couldn't

What he needed right now was something to wrap around the metal object, and help staunch the blood while keeping it there.

He took off his shirt and folded an informal doughnut bandage, then he placed it around the embedded object. He didn't have tape, so he just wrapped the rest around her body.

That was all he could do for now.

He looked around.

Any first aid kit?

None in sight.

"SHIT! I thought this city stocked up!"

They had made the announcement that there were first-aid kits placed 'all around the city'.

But there was none in the area.

Perhaps, in the rubble?

"Stay here al'right? Don't move. Even if big monster comes."

Sakura nodded, in pain.

Touji climbed the rubble.

He felt hedgehog pins sticking into him.

All too many obligations to keep.

He could have ditched her and saved himself.

Made up excuses.

But that was unthinkable.

This was important.

"If I die here – pukey hairball BETTER be grateful."

He looked around.

Nothing.

Except.

Movement.

The monster?

No.

It was a humanoid figure.

An explosion of rubble.

A humanoid figure.

A superhero?

No.

A kid.

But.

There was something strange.

Roots. Worms. An orb.

Growing, sticking, into him.

He was breathing heavily.

His eyes were growing red.

And, he floated in the air.

"A superhero…"

Touji looked up, and then shouted.

"Hey – dude. HEY! Over here! HEY! Please man, I need help!"

But, the figure ignored him.

It merely faced the sky.

And.

SHOOOM!

Force beyond force.

Speed beyond speed.

Strength beyond strength.

As though Touji and his sister were mere remnants on a fading Earth.

The boy shot into the sky like a bolt.

And broke through the black monster's heart.

And.

The largest cross shone in the sky.

Lighting up the air.

Illuminating.

Touji stared, spellbound, and then rubbed his eyes.

And, right in front of him, dazzling in the rubble – he saw the red corner of a first-aid box half-stuck in the dirt.

"Sonuvabitch didn't even bother to help."

Touji grumbled as he dug the box out of the earth.

A kid like that wasn't a superhero.

Just some kinda military weapon.

He ran back to Sakura, and helped to bandage her up properly.

Then, he waited.

She waited.

The light of the cross dimmed away.

He heard his sister sniffling, and he patted her on the head.

He was stuck in a daze, and his consciousness dimmed out as he heard the sound of sirens in the distance.


	9. 2-5 Unfamiliar Ceilings

Asuka couldn't sleep. Kaji had gone off to do something. She couldn't sleep. Thoughts buzzed.

She looked at the table. There was a book, Apparently, Kaji had left that strange book he was reading on the table.

She stood up and headed over to the table. She turned on the light. She sat down. She opened the book.

"Let's see…"

She read ZARATHUSTRA'S PROLOGUE (1)

"What a weirdo! Living alone in a cave – and speaking in such weird old sounding speech! And he lives with a serpent and an eagle? That's stupid! And… he's lived alone for so long but he makes it sound like he knows more than anyone else? That's the number one sign of being a jackass! I bet when he goes down to wherever he's going, they're gonna kick him in the shins and call him an idiot! That's what he is – an idiot! What an idiot!"

Asuka was talking to no one in particular. She liked to hear herself talk in order to forget her own thinking.

She read ZARATHUSTRA'S PROLOGUE (2)

"Great. Now the weirdo meets another weirdo. And this one loves God! But he doesn't love men – heeeh. And I thought God wanted us to love our neighbours. Does this mean that the weirdo is meeting with a hypocrite? What an idiot! But… come to think of it, we're fighting Angels, aren't we? I guess anyone who loves THOSE things wouldn't love us at all – but perfect? They're so weird and creepy! Whoever finds them NOT weird and creepy must be an enemy too! If you love shiny explosive crosses, they're going to blow up in your face! People who spend their heads in the clouds forget that they have lives to live!

But the weirdo doesn't like them too? He just wants to bring them 'gifts'. That sounds like something that Kaji would never do – give gifts for someone he doesn't believe in. Does this weirdo just hate everyone? And then the god-loving guy tells him to just carry part of their load – and give them nothing! What kind of holy man is that supposed to be?! Then again – what if Kaji is the type of guy who hates girls that shove gifts onto him? In fact, if Kaji did that to me – like just shovel me with dolls and stuff – I'd really hate that! I'd rather Kaji tell me that I was strong and help me shoulder my…"

She sensed that her monologue was going in a direction that she didn't want to acknowledge, and skipped past that line to the last one.

"God… is dead? Is this supposed to be some kind of edgy book?! Sure, I don't know if he exists – but saying that is just soooooo – idiotic!"

But then, she remembered the Angels.

"If God WAS the thing that sent those – the true and honest God. Then would I still believe in something like that? Well, I never thought about that – I just didn't care. Why do people believe in God anyway? It helps them to live? Maybe it's like, there's an explanation for everything? Even why Mom had to…"

She stopped, again. Then shook her head.

"…why Mom had to die?"

Her eyes were unfocused on the pages.

"If I knew the reason – would that make it better? Wouldn't that make it worse – like I was a part of something that I couldn't control – and that I had no way… to do anything, but accept?"

But if God existed, there was a promise of Heaven.

"After seeing those Angels, can you believe in such a thing? Maybe, it's not that he existed once – but that, because he's been twisted so much… that he's not something I'd want to place my faith in?"

But if God existed, there was a reason for suffering.

"But – why does it exist anyway? Why do I have to go through it? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

The idea that you control your mind is a lie.

What happens to the notion of free choice when something like trauma exists?

When your mind can be so easily controlled?

"By mother?"

Yes, but, more likely – circumstance.

The history and situations you're thrown into. They determine your mind.

Your mind is dictated by language, which determines your thought – but language is determined by something other than yourself.

Where is your choice?

"But – the fact that I can think about it – doesn't that mean I can escape it?"

Are all these circles really escape? Aren't you just digging yourself deeper.

"I don't know! I don't know! Idiot! Idiot! Why?"

If only you could place your meaning in life in being better.

But, what you have to go through to prove yourself – isn't just riding a giant robot.

You can't just ignore the pain, because your body is all the more real to you.

The Roots. The Worms.

Gnawing – penetrating.

You are slowly realizing how much you can't endure – those.

Even to the point where your desire to come out on top can't even counter-act that anymore.

And, now, there's a lesser chance for you to be the one on top.

Because of the appearance.

Of a new User.

A new Superhero.

Asuka Langley Soryu – you are at your limit.

"I am NOT!"

As she screamed that, the memories flared even faster.

"I can't even… c-can't even… please… Mother. I don't even have a role – this time."

"I'm… not even a h-heroine…"

"I… can't even take the role of the 2nd Child…"

She didn't know where those words came from. She was now muttering things outside the space of her own world

She wailed.

Hysterically.

Her role was being taken away.

A 2nd-rate actress.

"Oh?"

A boy, standing in her room.

A boy with white hair.

"So – you're going for this development?"

"I can't say I see the purpose in this."

"You're just going to make a lot of fans mad."

"After all – isn't Asuka known for her agency?"

"Don't people like her for her brash tough-mindedness?"

"And yet, you're going to turn her into an all to simple human shadow – one of the many traumatized shadows… too much of a cliché?"

"I love all men."

"I love them all equally – but I feel as though such a development would be too sudden. Most people would not be able to love it."

"Tell you what."

"Let's give her some leeway."

"Make it all a dream."

"Do you really want such a new, fragile, Asuka to be a part of your roster?"

Asuka pawed towards the boy.

He smiled.

"Now – my little Tsundere princess."

"You are not supposed to know I exist."

"I am merely – as of now – an Angel out of his designated domain."

"Shush now… forget it all."

"Let the weavers do their work."

"God's in his Heaven – all's okay in the world."

And, everything fell dark.

Then, it was morning.

And the world was infinitely calm.


	10. 3 - 0 Intermission

INTERMISSION

Shinji – in school.

Shinji: "First day of school… I wonder what'll happen…"

He lay back into his seat and absent-mindedly fiddled with his pen. The girl sitting next to him turned towards him:

Girl: "Hey… hey, izzit true that you hate your dad?"

Shinji: "Hate my… ?!"

He turned. It was Rei.

Shinji: "Ayanami Rei?!"

Rei: "So… izzit true that you hate like your dad n' stuff like that?"

Shinji: "Erm… I think…"

Rei: "Did you know that I'm, like, a clone of your mom…"

Shinji: "What...?!"

Rei: "Yea… totally true – and there's like tons of me floating around in a secret chamber somewhere, and…"

Shinji: "Erm… Ayanami – did you get the wrong script?"

Rei: "Script? What're you talking about – hey, did you know that the reason why I have blue hair is because your dad had like this tottaaaaal colourful hair fetish that he wanted to try out on your mom, but couldn't – and so he was all repressed n' stuff?"

Shinji slapped himself. The classroom didn't disappear.

Someone poked him from behind.

Kaworu: "Accept the truth, my dear Shinji-kun. Now that you've stepped into this sacred territory known as the school – the creator has free reign to turn this story into a school life romcom if he so dearly wishes. Ah, such is fate."

Shinji: "So – I have to live with this Rei… for the rest of my…?!"

Kaworu: "The Rei that you know now has the personality of a giddy schoolgirl. No longer bound to the realm of silence – this signifies the destruction of those all too creepy fan fetishes for silent 'emotionless' heroines."

Shinji: "But – then I won't have anyone more emotionally unhinged than me to help make me feel better about myself!"

Kaworu: "Don't worry – we've got that covered."

Suddenly, Shinji noticed that a certain red-haired girl was sitting in front of him.

Shinji: "Is that… Asuka?"

He poked her back with his pen.

Shinji: "Hey… Asuka, you're still Asuka right?"

She turned.

Menacing red eyes.

And:

"Gott. Ist. TOT!"

And, she bit his pen in half.

Shinji: "GAH!"

 _"Gott ist tot! Gott bleibt tot! Und wir haben ihn getötet! Wie trösten wir uns, die Mörder aller Mörder? Das Heiligste und Mächtigste, was die Welt bisher besaß, es ist unter unseren Messern verblutet."_

Shinji: "What is she saying?!"

Kaworu: "As you can clearly see, this author wants to be more pretentious than Hideaki Anno by throwing in random German phrases that he Googled up, even though he doesn't understand a single word of German."

Shinji: "But… but… what made her turn out this way?"

Kaworu: "Dearest Shinji – the only reason I can think of that anyone would behave towards you in such a fashion, would be that they were made fully aware of your 'conduct' towards them in the End of Evangelion."

Shinji turned red.

Shinji: "But – that… hasn't happened yet!"

Rei: "Oooo – what a dirty boy. Dirty like your dad."

Shinji: "My dad isn't a perv! ... I think."

Kaworu: "Don't worry Shinji-kun, my divine eyes have indeed confirmed that your dad is – truly and greatly – a perv."

Shinji: "That joke will get old after a while."

Kaworu: "It never gets old."

Asuka: " _Wovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muss man schweigen!"_

Shinji: "That's… getting old fast too."

Asuka took her own pen, and stabbed it into Shinji's jugular.

He collapsed and bled out.

Kaworu: "Ah, the closeness of sex and death – is one of the most essential traits of the universe."

Asuka: "I'M the PROTAGONIST NOW! GOT IT?!"

Shinji: "Sorry… for… fa…"

And, he died.

Kaworu: "Oh dear. It's hard to do a school romcom if there's no compatible couples."

Rei: "Heeey – why don't you be the main dude Ka-wo-ruu?"

Kaworu: "But a being as transcendent as myself could not possibly be empathized with. That's very important – the empathy point. Ah, poor Shinji – will anyone love your pathetic nature as much as I do?"

Rei moved to Kaworu's lap. She slung her arms around him.

Rei: "I think your toootes cool Ka-wo-ruu."

Kaworu: "I believe so too – but I'm afraid, my dear, we're going to have to wait until the Instrumentality to…"

And then.

"Ka-Ji!"

That was the squeal made by the 2nd Child as she leapt across the tables and slammed straight into the person who walked through the door.

Kaji: "Am I late?"

Kaworu: "You just missed the death of our lead protagonist."

Kaji: "Does that make me the lead?"

Asuka: "Kaji can be MY lead – ANY day of MY life!"

Kaji: "Anyway – to cut things short. I, the cool triple agent should-be-main-character Ryoji Kaji – am now going to be your teacher."

Cheers and squeals.

Kaji: "My first request, class, would be to clean up that unfortunate mess in the corner."

Someone threw Shinji's corpse out the window.

Kaji: "I assure you, as main character – that by next week, all Angels will be eradicated. The Instrumentality will be stopped. And we can finally turn Evangelion into the school romcom that was promised to us in episode 26.

Cheers, squeals, and shouts of "Kaji for President!"

Kaworu: "Hey now… that's bad news for me…"

Kaji: "That's right. In the end, the only pretty boy that this show needs is going to be – me!"

Kaworu: "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stop you right there."

Kaworu took out a brown envelope and threw it to Kaji.

Kaworu: "This, unfortunately, is the future plans for this alternative retelling of the series."

Kaji opened the envelope, and his eyes widened.

Kaji: "They're gonna… kill me off? Early?"

Asuka: "They're gonna WHAT?!"

Kaworu: "If you think about it from a logical dramatic standpoint – Ryoji Kaji is the character that both Misato and Asuka are rooted to. In other words, if Ryoji Kaji is offed before the episode that Asuka debuts comes up – then Katsuragi Misato won't break down by the end of the series because she won't be able to get deeply involved with him, and Asuka's breakdown will be precipitated faster, which means that she'll get sent over to NERV in Japan, probably – and helping her rehabilitate can be an impetus for Shinji to improve."

Asuka stepped away, hands on her hips – and huffed:

"I'm not THAT dependent on Kaji."

Kaji: "So, I'm the bad guy of the series now?"

Asuka: "They're gonna turn me into a ragdoll for that dead perverted sap to get his therapy?!"

Rei: "Does that mean that I … get more screentime since Asuka's out of the picture?"

Asuka: "You… backstabber!"

Kaji: "This is absolutely preposterous."

Kaworu stood up, and pulled out a pistol.

Kaworu: "Unfortunately, such is Word of God. Now, time to perish this illusory world."

Kaji: "Not if I can stop it!"

As Kaworu fired, Kaji dodged down into the teacher's desk.

The bullet did a ricochet and barely missed Asuka.

Asuka: "Hey! That's IT… I'm GONNA!"

Asuka leapt behind Kaji's desk and pulled out a grenade.

Kaworu: "Now where did that…"

Kaworu grabbed Rei and jumped out the back door as the grenade blew up half of the class.

Rei: "So, you can poof weapons here right?"

Kaworu: "I take that to be so."

Rei: "Even an N2 mine?"

Exactly as she said that, an N2 mine appeared.

Rei: "Wow – how is it even fitting into a corridor like this."

Kaworu: "Ah well – so much for…"

As the N2 mine turned the entire school into a crater, Kaworu levitated into the air – carrying Rei in his arms.

Kaworu: "These Children of Lilin are really strange – did they really think they could easily destroy a being like…"

Rei: "Don't get Episode 24-ed."

Kaworu: "Episode what?"

A giant red arm grabbed Kaworu out of the sky.

Asuka: "Did you forget THIS – ASSHOLE?!"

Kaworu was now staring in the massive robotic face of Unit-02.

Classical Music started playing.

Rei: "Sorry Ka-wo-ruu – I'm outta here."

Rei squeezed out of the grip and hopped off with a parasol in her hand. She floated away while waving.

Kaji's voice came through Unit-02 as well.

Kaji: "Sorry – no hard feelings eh?"

Kaworu smiled.

Kaworu: "None at all."

As a massive giant white End of Evangelion Kaworu rose up from behind him and gibbed the giant robot into small metal parts. Kaworu brushed off the metal fingers that were holding him tightly.

Kaworu: "The secret to winning in Evangelion, is to be more cracked up in your imagination than anyone else."

He pulled out the brown envelope and flipped through it again.

Kaworu: "Although, my dear Kaji – I will indeed air your grievances to the guy up there, to see if that is, indeed, the best narrative arc that can be mustered."

As the entire world was flooded over with orange goo, Asuka & Shinji were reconstituted on the shore.

Shinji: "Hey, Asuka – is this still going to be a school romcom?"

Asuka: "How disgusting."

INTERMISSION END – ONE LAST I LOVE YOU


End file.
